The Motivation of Doubt

I am beginning to believe that the most difficult aspect of this training life is simply the mental reality. The Birkie is still 10.5 months away. Intellectually this still feels like a long way away. Physically and emotionally however I have moments of anxiety as I am certain that I need to train harder. I know that at this current pace I will never be ready to ski 5o kms, even if the race isn't until next February. Constantly I fight to push those doubts away. Instead I strap on my shoes and simply go for a run, or a bike, or a hike.

The irony is that I feel stronger and more fit than I have been in at least a decade, yet my lack of necessary endurance allows doubt to slip into my psyche. I understand the idea of gradual progress; I understand that each week I must add just a bit more distance; I also understand that when school ends in June I will be fortunate enough to start most days with a two-three hour commitment to myself. However those understandings do not help me eliminate the doubts crawling around inside.

Tomorrow is my last day of spring break. The week off has allowed to me to get in some good workouts. And some consistent workouts. Today I ran four miles. I transitioned well both into and out of the run. I did pushups, situps, a core workout and even threw around some weights for awhile. I had eggs and bacon for breakfast, greens and vegetables for lunch, and a healthy dinner with my wife last night. Obviously a pleasing day. Obviously a day where I gained strength and progress.

But still, my doubts and fears of next February always hang on the edge of my mind.